I grew up going hunting with my dad. All the times I went out with him, I never got a deer, but he got a few. Would I be able to pull the trigger and make the kill? Could I take the life of another being for whatever reason?
I recently took up hunting again. I'm not really sure why. I always enjoyed the time in the woods with my dad. Maybe I was trying to recapture some of that? I'm not sure. Whatever it was, I still didn't know if I could follow through with the kill. One day, I was in the woods with a buddy. He was up in a tree overlooking the field while I walked a path trying to find a good spot. I never did find the spot. As I was walking back toward my friend, I heard rustling in the trees ahead. I knelt down and waited. It got quiet. I stood and walked a few feet further along and knelt. Waiting. Two doe lept across the path. The buck was near. Still I waited.
There he is. Cautious. He stops at the slightest sound. The faintest smell. I raise my rifle for the shot. He's obscured by brush. I have no choice but to stand - certain that he'll be gone before I can recenter my scope. He's watching me. He knows the end is near. He faces it head on with no fear. He never turns his head away. Will I be able to pull the trigger? Before I have time to ask myself the question, it's done.
It wasn't a clean shot. Sure, the buck drops in his tracks, but it's not an instant kill. I feel a pang of guilt. But I promise him, if only in my mind, that his death will not be in vain. It doesn't last long. It's over soon enough. As I walk away, I see a second buck watching me. My rifle is already rechambered… just in case. But, no. The one lieing at my feet is more than enough. He will feed my family and I for the rest of the winter.
Later, as I recount the story to my buddy who is now helping me to dress the kill, he asks why I did not take the second deer. At the very least I could have given him to my friend. But, no. Pulling the trigger on the one that would feed me was hard enough. My friend would have to fend for himself.
Now, a year later, the meat from the kill is gone - consumed. It's time to re-enter the woods and refill the stores. Will I be able to pull trigger? I don't know. I won't know until it's just me and him.
